Meaning of Life

Damn blogspot. Just to make an entry, I have to refresh the thing for like 3 times and load forever..
Sigh~
Anyway, there's a lot of things to be said.. But I don't know how to put in proper words.. So, here goes..

I kind of like feel that I lost the "meaning" in my life.. Don't worry ppl, I am not depressed or suicidal.
Just that I find that it's very meaningless.
The cycle of my life - Wake up, attend lesson, home, online, play audition, sleep, study(rarely)
I'm getting tired. Tired of the cycle.
Tired of those presentations, eventhough left 1.
Tired of those expectations.
At times I just feel like squatting down and cry and cry and cry.
So much for being a cheerful person or maybe that's what I perceive from others "feedback".
I want to be the weak one. I want to follow others footstep.
I want ppl to teach me. I need guidance.
Tell me, ppl.. How to continue to walk when I'm dragging my feet?
When I felt that my shoulder is so heavy that I can barely move?
When I just want to stop, lie down and stare at the sky?
Sigh~ The biggest challenge is yet to come. Exam in less than a month.
I wish I can just say I don't care, nvm, it's ok just to pass.. but I can't..
Perhaps the biggest challenge here is my pride, my expectations of myself..
I'm afraid of losing. I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
Yes, I finally admit it.. The bottomline is I'm too afraid of getting hurt. To let my pride exposed to the wound and salt.
Everytime I smelled something fishy, I will retreat right away. This applies more to relationship with others.

I hope I can talk myself out of this misery this time. It works everytime.
The longest I ever slumped into misery is 2 days and practically drag my day through.
While I was taking bus on that fateful day, it just snapped to me - "Hey, look.. u r not gonna spend ur day like that anymore and u must take up the challenge."
That happened 1-2 month ago when I have 3 presentations within 2 weeks and other presentations going on at full swing plus some personal conflict at "sg home". <-- to prevent the conflict from happening again, the 4 walls in my room becomes my good friend.
Hai~ I think one day I am going to get mental illness.